Book 68 of 100

The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck.

If there were such things as drinking games for books, you could do a good one by drinking each time it says “dust”.  You’d be hammered half way through the first chapter.

Also interesting was the use of the word “penes” as the plural of “penis”.  I did not know that was the plural.  Always happy to learn new things, but not sure how I’m going to work this into every day conversation.

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Yay!

Mr Beet and I have won a free holiday from the National Trust by entering a caption competition at Glastonbury.*

The winning entry:

“A festivalgoer gives Michael Eavis the bumps to celebrate Glastonbury’s 40th birthday”

We get a free stay in a National Trust cottage of our choice.  If only I had some leave left!

*That’s how civilised Glasto is these days – the NT are there.

Breakfast Television. Gah!! 3

Ben Shepherd reporting from Haiti six months on.  People still living in crap situation.

“The saddest thing for me is that I’m the father of two boys, and I can’t imagine them going through this.”

Oh, fuck off and die Ben Shepherd.  I won’t care, seeing as how I’m incapable of empathy until such time as I have squeezed a small human being out of me.

Dear Pregnant Woman on Tube,

You are standing near the carriage doors, surrounded by other people who are also standing.  Nobody who has a seat to offer you is in a position to see your pregnant belly.  Therefore it’s no good sighing and stroking your belly theatrically.

If you can’t bring yourself to say “excuse me, could somebody let me sit down please?” I’m going to assume that you actually prefer to stand, because it gives you the opportunity to put on this little passive-aggressive martyr performance.

Yours unsympathetically,

Beet

Wedding Drinking Game

As previously blogged, I’m generally not a fan of weddings, but I have to go to one in a few weeks (thereby missing out on FREE TICKETS to an Underworld gig – fume!).  In an attempt to liven up proceedings I’ve made up a game to keep me amused.  Feel free to borrow it next time you find yourself stuck at a dull wedding.

There are several playing options – depending on how much you want to drink.

Option 1 – maximum drinking

Every time one of the below happens – take a swig.  Presumably you won’t have a drink in your hand when you’re in the church etc, so just make a mental note to drink later.  This may mean immediately necking three glasses as soon as alcohol is offered to you.  I told you this game would liven things up.

 

Option 2 – not so much, but still potentially quite a lot of drinking

Challenge your plus one.  First to spot that something has happened gets to make the other one drink.  You might need to agree a code beforehand, rather than just shouting out “Chubby arms!” for example.

 

Option 3 – no drinking

For teetotallers (this usually includes me, but weddings generally drive me to drink) score the points listed below and compare scores with your plus one.

Take a drink / score points when:

1.  Someone describes the bride as “stunning” – score 5 points

2. The bride is wearing a sleeveless dress despite having chubby arms – score 5 points*

3.  The person officiating mispronounces the bride or groom’s name – score 15 points

4A.  In church, the congregation completely murders the hymn – score 10 points

4B.  In registry office – there is a problem with the sound system and the music either starts way too loud or way too quiet and has to be cranked up/down or there’s a long pause where it doesn’t start at all – score 10 points

5.  You see or hear someone who has dressed completely inappropriately for the weather conditions complaining / shivering / holding hat in place in high winds / struggling in high heels in grass – score 5 points.  If it’s a man – score 20 points

6.  Guests’ wedding outfit sweepstake – fascinator (mini-hat) – 1 point, pashmina (shawl) – 2 points, bolero (jacket where it looks like someone has cut off bottom half) – 3 points, cummerbund (male tummy sash) – 4 points, someone wearing a white or black dress (faux pas) – 5 points (all per garment)

7.  You spot two or more guests in the same outfit (bridesmaids don’t count) – 10 points

8. At least 80% of the confetti goes nowhere near the couple, due to high winds and / or ineffective throwing action from guests – 5 points

9.  You hear the photographer call someone “my love” or similar when instructing them in how to pose – 5 points

10.  You have white wine and red wine on the table and the white wine gets drunk first – score 5 points

11. The main course is chicken – score 5 points

12. An elderly guest is surprised that the wedding cake is not a fruit cake – score 10 points

13. The best man describes the bride as “a lovely girl” – score 10 points

14. Crying sweepstake – mother of the bride or groom – 1 point, bride – 2 points, random female guest – 3 points, bridesmaid – 4 points, groom – 5 points, father of the bride or groom – 6 points, random male guest – 7 points, best man / usher – 8 points.

15. Someone says “It’ll be your turn one day” or similar to a single person or asks an umarried couple whether they are planning to marry – score 10 points.

16. Someone tells you an anecdote about something how disaster nearly struck this wedding (NB “disaster” usually means e.g. the florist didn’t have the correct flowers) – score 10 points

17.  Someone tells you how much an aspect of the wedding cost, even though you didn’t ask – score 10 points

18.  Someone reminisces about their own wedding / talks about their own future wedding plans – score 3 points

19.  You see someone aged over 50 dancing with someone aged under 10 – score 5 points.

20. You see a woman wearing her partner’s suit jacket towards the end of the evening – score 5 points.

Wedding mania

*Then deduct 100 points for thinking, even to yourself, that the bride has chubby arms.  How dare you?  She’s stunning!