Frankie Boyle – Defatigable Spirit

I recently found out that back in the day, Frankie Boyle used to do taekwondo at the Glasgow club and came to summer course one year.  So his new tour might be called “I would happily punch each one of you in the face”, but he wouldn’t need to bother with me, because chances are we’ve already kicked the crap out of each other.  I’ve checked out his autobiography to see what he says tkd.

Fresh off the booze, I decided to take up taekwondo, which I loved but was pretty terrible at.  There was a really great school in Glasgow run by a proper Korean grandmaster [err... Master Loh's Malaysian...] and I’d do that two or three days a week.  I even went on a week’s training camp at one point.  The whole thing is built on “Indomitable Spirit”, an ability to never give in.  During camp I found that I had “Defatigible Spirit” and gave in.  I really miss it, actually.  My next tour is going to be the last one and hopefully I can get into a martial art after it’s all over.  There’s no way that being able to do a rowdy gig in Hull makes you cooler than somebody who can punch their way through a wall. “

I hope he does come back to it.  I had two years off while I was working all hours, but when you come back to it it’s amazing how much your legs remember, even if your brain doesn’t.  And he shouldn’t be hard on himself about summer course, last time I did it I was 21 and training 5 times a week and it was still a complete ordeal.  In fact, my friend Liz has just had a baby and described her 24+ hour labour as “about as bad as summer course”.


Tae Kwon Do Al Living Room (+ minor claim to fame)

My friend Yutaro came to visit while he was taking some exams in London.  He’s a third dan, and I knew that certain of my black tag students would never forgive me if I didn’t take the opportunity to distract him from revision and make him show me some of his favourite killer one-step moves.  I’ve written everything down and also made a mental note of where exactly it hurts, in the hope that I can remember these manoeuvres long enough to impart them to my students, some of whom may be doing their black belt grading soon and are keen to impress with some shiny new one-step techniques.

Yutaro would like me to point out that his foot sword was better than it looks in the photo (which I can confirm, as it was right in my face).  In this photo you can also see the lower foothills of “ironing mountain” that has taken over the corner of my living room.

After practising as many one-step variations as I thought my brain could hold, we turned on the TV and Mr Beet put Mock the Week on.  This prompted Yutaro to say – do you remember Frankie Boyle? – Apparently, Frankie used to train with a club in Glasgow and came down to our annual tkd summer school in Nottingham one year.  So we would have sparred with each other, although I can’t say I remember him.

Tae Kwon Do Al Fresco

I took my first outdoor tae kwon do class today.  It’s an experiment really, to try to squeeze in another training session in over the next few weeks as we are working up to a competition and some of the seniors are working up to their black belt grading.  Initially I tried to get everyone to come to Mr Beet’s parkrun and do a session after that, but it’s at 9am on Saturday morning, so nobody could be persuaded! Instead, we went to Hyde Park at a more sociable hour.

Training outdoors in very limiting.  You can’t really twist on your standing foot in trainers on grass, so most kicking drills and sparring are out the window.  Instead we did patterns and one-step (self-defence) sparring.  This worked well as the people who came were those who specifically wanted to work on these.  It was a beautiful day so quite nice to be training outside.  We got some good-natured heckles and a gorgeous little sausage dog came over to say hello – so cute!

Taekwondo

I’ve done tae kwon do for 9 years now, and I love it.  This is my club.  I am pretty evangelical about it and try to get my friends to give it a go, usually with zero success.   But my blog-challenge-buddy Jo agreed to come along in the spirit of trying something new in the new year.  So I’ve asked her to write something about her first lesson.  Over to Jo.

TKD: A beginner’s guide

Hello world. Here follows a brief account of my recent journey* of self-discovery and cultural enlightenment, seeking to explore my martial instincts and understand more fully the ways of the kicking and the punching. My friend Beetchawawa has led me to believe for some time now that she is a Taekwondo black belt. [I do try to work it into most conversations] Clearly I have never believed a word of it, for the simple reason that I have never seen it with my own eyes, so there seemed no better way to catch her out than to call her bluff and attend her class. My other aims in attending were to burn some calories, thus enabling me to eat more cakes, and generally just to try something new, part of my commitment to trying lots of new things in the hope that one day I will be a natural at something and find a whole new purpose in life. Oh, and the fact that a deal has been agreed whereby one attendance at TKD = one attendance at a line dancing class, important to formalise these things in writing. [What deal?  I saidlino-dancing, you know - backspins on the kitchen floor ]

So, the scene set, one chilly Tuesday evening in the big smoke the time had come, and off I went to my first ever martial arts class at a slightly sinister looking leisure centre hall in Barbican. I don’t really know the difference between any martial arts, I’m of the Karate Kid generation so have always assumed they’re all pretty much the same as that, a bit of kicking, punching, white suits, respectful bowing, car washing, catching flies in chopsticks. Well, I wasn’t far off. As I hoped, everyone was incredibly welcoming. I always expected this of a martial arts environment, there’s something about the discipline of the whole thing that I think deters unruly and unfriendly types that would make a beginner feel uncomfortable. There were a few other beginners so I wasn’t on my own at the back of the hall (not hiding, that’s where I had to stand, behind or to the left of the people who know what they’re doing). The class started with a warm up which to me seemed rather strenuous, to all of the people with the pretty belts it seemed like a walk in the park. After some bowing and stretching there were some jogs up and down the hall, all in lines so I was only racing my fellow beginners not the super-fit people from the front. It was hard to hear what was going on across the full length of the hall, but as commands were in Korean anyway I don’t feel I was missing much! After everyone was warmed up, and I was about done in, the class was split between those with belts and those having a non-uniform day. We got to do some punching, kicking and learnt a little sequence too where you go round in a circle, punching and blocking.[ Little sequence?  That's your first poomse (pattern) and it's called Saju Chirugi - it sounds much more impressive if you use the correct jargon] It was all broken down well so fairly easy to learn. I think all of the beginners felt pretty uncomfortable with the shouting when you punch or kick! I guess it starts to come naturally when there’s an opponent coming for you, but when it’s just you versus the air it’s hard to channel your ferocity so much. I think I did OK for a first timer, it is pretty bamboozling making your arms and legs work at the same time, although my lifetime of wowing people with my head-patting-stomach-rubbing party piece has honed my coordination skills a bit. I was a little disappointed that there were no spare sets of pads or body armour as I kind of wanted dressing up and drop kicking, but it was probably for the best, I do tend to bruise like a peach.

I have nothing but good things to say about the class, tuition and people. An excellent evening’s entertainment for five English pounds. I had read up on TKD beforehand and was a little nervous about not being able to behave in an inappropriate fashion in the class; there is a rule about not laughing excessively – things like this make me want to laugh excessively. I was also a little nervous about the whole bowing thing. I know people who go every week are used to it and don’t find it strange that you bow to a flag, and I was perfectly happy to bow at whoever or whatever required a bow to show my dedication to the cause; what I was nervous about was that my committed bowing may look like mockery! I didn’t detect anyone rolling their eyes at me, so I think I got away with it!

I was put on the spot afterwards for a rating out of 10 for TKD and I gave it a 6. I think this may sound low after I have sung its praises, but it is a good score in the grand scheme of scoring, reflecting that I would go back, but I’m not having withdrawal symptoms. I think my score was also slightly affected by the fact the whole thing made my feet hurt, I don’t tend to do much barefoot, so my soft and delicate soles took a bit of a pounding! Also, the 2 days later test – 2 days later my hip hurt, I think a result of producing such an incredibly powerful side kick that I almost kicked my own leg out of its socket. [ A moment which we captured on camera -

It is now 2 weeks later, and I'm feeling more inclined towards a 7 out of 10, so that shows my feet did skew the scoring! [There's a club just down the road from you if you ever want to go back - I know the instructor so mention my name and he'll look after you.  Think of the cake you could eat!]

Anyway, I’m glad I went, and I can confirm the black belt thing is indeed true, either that or it was a Truman Show standard of cover up. I would like to express my gratitude for this honorary blog spot, and to all who made this possible, it’s a dream come true etc etc *bows* *laughs excessively*

* approximately a 400 mile round trip

Bruises

I mentioned the other day that I keep a photo record of my best bruises (and other injuries), accumulated in various sporting activities.  There have been zero requests to see any of the photos, but here is a selection anyway:

1.  The fantastic knee of many colours.

I managed to bash in at taekwondo, and then again at breaking a few days later, so it was a riot of colour with various bruises at different stages of development.

2. Blood blisters

From training in bare feet on a very dirty floor.  I think they’re quite cute – like little birthmarks.  Cute little blood-and-pus-filled birthmarks.

3.  Blood blisters – a few days later

Hmmmm… not so cute now half the skin on my big toe is hanging off.

4.  Matching stigmata-like bruises on feet.

Not a sign of the second coming.  I just can’t seem to avoid people’s elbows in sparring.

5. My biggest blister ever

From a run of only about 4-5 miles I think.  I used to have cheap crap trainers, never got blisters.  Then I got some professionally-fitted, gait-analysed, expensive running trainers and this is what happens.

6. Hand blister

My first b-girl injury – a proud moment.  My second was a egg-sized bump on my head from trying to balance on it, but that didn’t really photograph.

Things I like a lot more than I should

I got something delivered the other day in lots of bubble wrap.  Oh deep joy!  I know everyone loves bubble wrap, but it started me thinking about other things that make me a lot happier than seems sensible.  This is not a list of the things that make me happiest.  It’s a list of things that by rights I should get no pleasure from at all, but I do.

1.  Along the same lines as bubble wrap, depressing those little buttons you get on the plastic tops of drink cups at the cinema.

2.   Doing long-winded interest calculations – the best thing from when I was a trainee in the property department.  So satisfying.  I used to love doing accounts exercises on the LPC as well – when it all balances at the end.  Orgasmic.

3.   Spirit levels.  Not that I’ve ever had to use one, but I find concept behind them beautiful in its simplicity and it makes me happy whenever I see someone using one.

4.  Ice cream cones - ice cream is obviously awesome, but then someone invented ice cream cones – food packaging that you can eat!  Genius – no waste, why don’t we do this for all foods?  It makes me cross when you get a napkin to hold round your ice cream cone – not necessary and introducing waste into the equation again when it had been so successfully removed.  Also, now you sometimes have the option to have a little cardboard tub instead of a cone - that’s a step back people!

5. Beeping my oyster card – boop!

6.  Making lists.  Could you guess?

7.  Eating food that’s been dropped on the floor.  Yes, I do know that that sounds weird, and no, I don’t drop food on the floor on purpose, but I do get a sort of smug satisfaction at not wasting food, having confidence in my immune system and knowing that it will make Mr Beet cringe.  Ditto having a relaxed attitude to sell-by-dates.

8. Being called “sir” at tae kwon do.  There are several advantages to being a blackbelt – it impresses some people, you get bowed to a lot, you get to teach the class sometimes, but the bit that really pleases me is being called “sir”.  I didn’t think I’d ever be a “sir” without a sex change so it’s a unexpected bonus – and a weird combination of being respectful and slightly silly at the same time.  Highly preferable to “miss” – I’m not a primary school teacher.

9.  When you have an itch on your eyeball and you scratch it very gently.  I guess because it’s so sensitive it feels amazingly satisfying.

10.  Getting a good bruise – I keep a photo record of my best ones, although the photos never really do them justice.  I’m jealous of Mr Beet, who bruises like a peach.

New Year

I went to watch the fireworks from the Heath – it started snowing about 1 minute to midnight which was exciting as well – although no snow this morning. People were setting off those lanterns – so there was the added frisson of possibly getting your head set on fire.

Right – new year’s resolutions! I don’t bother saying that I’ll give stuff up because that never works, so instead I usually say I’ll try new things. Except at the moment, I’m still pretty over-subscribed with the new things I tried last year. So my resolutions are going to be things to help me get better at my existing hobbies.

Tae kwon do – do the instructor courses.

Breaking – master back spins and baby freezes so they actually look good.

Acrobatics – I used to go on my day off, but since I went back to a 5 day week I haven’t been able to go. So my resolution is to go whenever I can and to practice my bad side cartwheels in my own time.

Running – to make the most of living next to the heath and Greenwich Park on my doorstep and to do a half marathon.

Climbing – I haven’t been climbing in ages, so my resolution is to go a couple of times in January to try to get back into it and to check out the climbing place at London Bridge.

Pilates – pilates is new, I’ve never tried it before. I think improving my core strength will help my other sports. I’ve just signed up for a beginners class starting in January. I had to fill in a form saying what other sports I do. I felt a bit of a fraud putting tkd, breaking and acrobatics – it made me sound like a bit of an all-round action hero. I felt like qualifying it by saying that I’m complete rubbish at 2 out of 3, and not as good as I should be at the third.

Tae kwon do

I’ve been doing tae kwon do for 9 years now. I’ve noticed that very often when people find out that I do tkd they say “that’s one of the more defensive martial arts, isn’t it?”. Errr..not really. It’s largely based around kicking techniques and in sparring the main objective is to kick your opponent, quite hard, ideally in the face. I’ve never worked out whether:

1. there is widespread misconception about tkd;

2. people are getting it confused with another martial art;

3. people assume that because I’m a woman I’d naturally opt for a more defensive style; or

4. I come across as the sort of gentle person who would naturally opt for a more defensive style.

Someone at Tae Kwon Do said I was like a Jedi

This made me very happy. In fact, I was only Jedi-like in that I managed to debilitate them with a very gentle block from my hand, because they already had a bruise, but still – a Jedi! Awesome. It even beats the time someone said I was like the Fonz when I made the photocopier work by kicking it.